We are not meant to do it alone

“We all are so deeply interconnected; we have no option but to love all. Be kind and do good for any one and that will be reflected. The ripples of the kind heart are the highest blessings of the Universe.” ― Amit Ray

For many years my relationship with the idea of ‘help’ has been tainted.

The idea has been woven with and through a series of misunderstandings about what it means to be human and to relate to others. To ask for, receive, or conceive the need of it, created a mess in my mind.

To ask or receive help illustrates all sorts of things that make me less than.

Right?

That’s what my experience of ‘help’ had been for years.

Of all the mental imbalances within me that I have resolved over the years, this has been the most challenging. Much of my identity has been woven through many misconceptions of what help means.

Such as:

• To ask for help is weakness
• To want help means I have failed
• To receive help means I owe or am at risk
• To ask for help means I lose credibility
• No one wants to help me
• People don’t enjoy helping other people (this is funny given I’m in a helping profession. One that I love)
• Or the big one, I’m suppose to figure this sh** out on my own

It’s amazing the hidden messages that can exist for us behind such a simple word. Being blind to these held messages, my actions and reactions are shaped unknowingly. That’s where the risk lies. For a long time how I related to the word help showed itself in many ways, yet was undetected.

There are moments where it was clear to me that I needed help, and could not bring myself to ask for it. I often felt as though I was suffocating and couldn’t breath in those moments. Exasperated because I could not find the light at the end of the tunnel, while choking on the idea of speaking the truth of my challenge to another.

In those moments where I could not seem to move myself forward, I would drown in shame and self judgement. This cycle playing on repeat because I held that my entire life was up to me and, therefore, must be figured out by me.

When a notion to ask for help would arise, it would quickly be met with a monsoon of thoughts that told me how wrong that was.

As we step into this conversation together, I would like to say that one enlightening moment occurred and the falsehoods held melted away.

Again, I would like to say that. That is not the case for me, though.

Gandhi wisely said this.

For how can we change the world to something we are not? As we step into our future as a species there exists great opportunity to rebuild ourselves and our communities from the ground up.

In fact, it seems there is no other way.

Without cohesiveness, collaboration and cooperation, how will we ever sew our world together? This is the world I aspire to live within. And what I know is if those feelings and ways of navigating life do not exist for and within me, I can’t be an influence in that direction.

It’s like I tell my clients as they work with their own. It’s difficult to take someone somewhere we have yet to visit ourselves.

I’m still opening up more to living life from greater levels of collaboration and cooperation. It’s not easy for me. It’s something I am working on with my coach now, because I see the ways I remain hindered by outdated misunderstandings.

Our relationship with anything in life is nuanced. What was once a major challenge, or previously deemed impossible, can later be done with ease. Later, we discover something else within that same vein that remains a challenge.

We lean in again.

We learn again.

We grow again.

The cycle continues until we no longer breathe.

I’m viscerally reminded of one of the most challenging times I asked for and received help. I have mentioned it in my writing numerous times. I come back to it often, because it’s the catalytic moments that offer the greatest possibility for change to occur. I’ve experienced this many times.

About five years ago when my fiancé and I separated, I was devastated. I mean world crumbling, loss of identity and sense of direction, devastated.

It was a depth of despair and anguish that I had experienced before in my life, but not as an ‘adult’. I emphasize adult because what I see often is that we are labeled as adults. And yet many of us (including me) spend much of our lives acting out childhood insecurities.

I was no different at this point of separation. In fact, it was my fragile identity as a man that was a major driver leading to the end of the relationship.

In hindsight, it’s one of the best moments of my life. At the time, I was in such a state of obsession and clinging to a life that I thought would occur, that I didn’t know how to grieve.

I didn’t know how to allow myself to unravel, learn, and rebuild. To say I was stuck, paints a mild picture of my experience.

I needed help.

And I hated it, too.

But I knew what had happened earlier in my life when I didn’t ask for help, and that was no longer an option. This is where my deliberate journey of asking for and receiving help began. It began with me finding an EMDR therapist to help me resolve lingering PTSD.

After six months I was feeling energy and ease that I had never felt before. I had changed. Life began to feel like it was full of even greater potential than it had before the separation.

I’ll use a phrase one of my clients uses, it was like I was in a hot air balloon and I had thrown a huge boulder over the side. That was the lightness that followed. For me it felt like I threw three or four overboard during that time in therapy.

This began my journey of being willing to ask for professional support. Over the next three years, I would find an increased ease in hiring my next mentor and coach. With each new person supporting me, new openings occurred that lifted me to new heights of experience.

Life was on an upward spiral of both feeling possibility, while seeing it come to life in the world around me. I was seeing the direct connection to my internal experience and my health, money, and relationships. My world was changing inside and out.

I continue surrounding myself with mentors, guides, and coaches. Each becoming a member of Matt’s support team. Each helping me in nuanced ways to develop balance in my mind and body, while connecting to my spirit. And from this, helping me translate those changes into my business, relationships, and finances. Above all, I’m learning how to have fun in life again.

I lost sight of fun years ago after college ended. I don’t remember fun being an experience of life before college or for many years after it.

Life felt heavy.

Overly serious.

And void of enjoyment on a consistent level that went beyond the superficial.

When I joined the corporate world, fun went out the window. I loved my work. Don’t get me wrong. Yet, I held it to be serious business. I had a couple of managers ask if I knew how to lighten up.

I didn’t.

And by knowing what I am wanting to create for my life, I’ve become great at surrounding myself with the right guides, mentors, and coaches.

This is well and good and has done miraculous things for my life. Yet, as often does, a new challenge arose. I was only able to receive help if I was paying for it.

The next gap for me was being able and willing to ask for help from people I was not paying. This was my next edge. When this first came to light, I was not quite ready to look at the beliefs and angst wrapped up in this one.

Have no fear, though, because life will continue to bring about situations where what binds each of us continues to be thrown in front of us. Subtle nudges at times. Other times, not so much. For most of my life it took the force of a monsoon to catch my attention to see what must change.

In those moments life offers us an opportunity to ask ourselves about our source of motivation in life.

Are we being driven by fear and running away from something? Are we choosing perceptions and actions that keep us in a cycle that hurts us more than helps us?

Or are we driven by inspiration and moving towards something?

At any given moment, we are choosing one or the other. When we get to the root of our motivation, it becomes clear.

I have chosen both, many times. Yet, I recognize that dwelling on what was served no benefit. The better question is, what will I do now?

I found my next edge around the idea of ‘help’, or rather it found me, when I was in Morocco. It was 2019 and I was spending time with a couple there. Two special people that I am friends with to this day.

During my time visiting with them, they took me out for an authentic Moroccan dinner. The restaurant was stunning and located near the center of the old market in Rabat.

I was invited into their home for dinner. The next evening, I was invited for a drink on one of their friend’s boats.

They were givers and offered genuine kindness to me again and again. For them, generosity and kindness seemed easy.

On my end, I was caught in an incessant cycle of how I needed to pay them back. The mental chatter telling me it was wrong of me to receive this without equal exchange.

I was wrapped up in a quid pro quo societal message that had been engrained years prior. An experience where giving is never done simply for the sake of it. Reciprocation being required for each party to be satisfied.

Yes, that dynamic does exist in our societies.

It’s not the only one, though. And my commitment is about stepping into giving and receiving without what may be considered commonplace expectations.

With some hesitation, I shared my mental chatter with my new friends. I mentioned my concerns of receiving this much kindness. I shared my sense of urgency to give back to them.

The response I received has stuck with me until this day.

“Or, you could let that go. Say thank you. And enjoy our time together.”

This stunned me.

How could this be?

They enjoyed sharing their time, home, and everything with me? And wanted nothing tangible in return?

What?

I had a lot to learn about giving, kindness, help, and friendship.

This shook the foundations from which I viewed the world. The way the world ‘works’ came into question. A big crack in my identity and relationship with humanity emerged that day.

More cracks emerged when I went on to Egypt. During my two months there I was invited to join an Italian family for their holiday adventures.

I resisted.

They persisted.

I leaned in.

I had many wonderful experiences with them. Diving in the sea. Driving trucks through the desert, and eating exceptional meals.

On top of that, a dear friend and previous mentor of mine lived there. Her and her husband invited me into their home and connected me with people from around the country. It was because of them I was able to have unique experiences as a traveler.

After the initial crack in my fixed views while in Morocco, life swiftly brought more swings of the sledgehammer to break down what remained.

The voices in my mind were screaming about this and that.

About how I shouldn’t do this. Or I should do that. A bunch of noise. Even moments of questioning their motives.

I decided to step back from the noise and calm myself. And when I did, what I saw was each of them wanted me to enjoy myself. These were people that equally wanted to enjoy themselves with me in their company.

These three experiences opened me up to new ways of seeing myself and the world. I experienced their acts of kindness to be synonymous with my struggle to receive help.

During those experiences I was traveling on a tight budget as I began building my business, and creating the next chapter of my life.

I began my travels because of a deep desire to better understand and experience the world around me. Yet each person offered me an opportunity to learn more about myself.

Those moments taught me of the world and myself, when I listened to what was available. These people were helping me in ways that I could not see well at the time. They were helping me grow as a person, beyond picking up the bill for a couple of things.

This broke down the perception that to receive equates to owing. My time in Morocco and Egypt broke down perceptions that kept me from experiencing generosity and sharing at a level I never experienced before.

Working with various professionals allowed perceptions of weakness to fall away. To ask for help is weak, and I am supposed to figure everything out on my own.

No. To ask for help takes courage.

No. We all need help from time to time.

That’s how communities and relationships work.

We are not meant to do life all alone.

I continue my journey of opening up to greater degrees of giving and receiving, because that is the world I choose to create within and around me.

Through collaboration and cooperation all boats can rise together.

As we conclude, where’s the opportunity for you to lean in today?

More about Matt Hogan…

I’m a friend, a coach, a consciousness explorer, a traveler, a breath-work facilitator, and an active participant on a journey of Self mastery.

By day, I support leaders, entrepreneurs, and executives of socially-minded organizations, helping them to accelerate their own internal change work so they can have even greater impact through their roles, presence, and within their lives.

Through coaching, facilitating, teaching and other modalities, I create a space for you to design and live into the next level of yourself, while you tackle and make possible your next impossible.

If you’d like to learn more of my journey or about my services, connect with me through my website at https://www.matthoganworldwide.com/

And follow me on Medium for weekly publications.